


Zaphod Gives Great Heads

by themcelroysubiquitousdeborah



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: M/M, Oral Sex, Pan-galactic gargleblasters, Tandem blow job, Zaphod gets his feelings slightly hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 04:32:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5361482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themcelroysubiquitousdeborah/pseuds/themcelroysubiquitousdeborah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which something bigger than Zaphod's ego is found and Ford sasses Arthur in every sense of the word. (Sass: know, be aware of, meet, have sex with)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zaphod Gives Great Heads

It was Pan Galactic Gargleblaster night on board the Heart of Gold. This wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Most nights were Pan Galactic Gargleblaster nights, this one was simply designated. In fact, it was not entirely accurate to call this occasion simply Pan Galactic Gargleblaster night. This was a Plot by Zaphod Beeblebrox and Ford Prefect. A Plot, in fact, with a capital “p.” 

You see, on the Betelgeusian planet from which Ford and Zaphod originally came, the word “sass” (and its many meanings) was in common usage. With this linguistic oddity came a much more relaxed attitude toward sex. Many people slept with each other with little or no acquaintance. Since sex was just sex and not a reproductive act, it was extremely casual. Ford and Zaphod had sassed each other on many occasions. This was nothing out of the ordinary, just normal Betelgeusian behavior. Well, as normal as Zaphod Beeblebrox ever got.

The Plot, then, was to put Arthur Dent in an equally relaxed mindset about sex. Ford and Zaphod were both familiar with the usual Earth notions about sex and sticking to the opposite gender (in many cases) and the need for at least an acquaintanceship before the actual act. They knew that the only way to relax Arthur’s mindset was through the application of large quantities of alcohol, preferably in the form of Pan Galactic Gargleblasters.

Arthur, however, was sulking. He was at the Nutri-Matic machine for the zillionth time trying to coax tea out of it. It, of course, wasn’t working. The machine dispensed cup upon cup of completely undrinkable “tea” and urged him to “share and enjoy.” Fed up, Arthur finally wandered toward the bar, where Ford and Zaphod were mixing drinks. 

“If there’s no tea,” Arthur said, not a little bitterly, “Is there at least beer? I could use some right about now.”

Ford smiled a smile that would make most men go pale with fear. Arthur went pale with fear.

“We’ve got something better,” he said. Zaphod held out a glass of something which terrified Arthur. Arthur, however, decided that inebriation sounded at this point like the best plan of action, so he joined Ford and Zaphod at the bar and took the glass. The three men toasted and drank as quickly as possible, which is the best way. If a Pan Galactic Gargleblaster is drunk slowly, the drinker risks serious throat damage.

Arthur howled in misery. He grasped his head and cried out in pain and shock. Zaphod immediately began mixing another and as soon as he was done, Arthur found himself surprisingly ready for it. He downed the second one quickly and without further incident.   
By the time Arthur fell off of his stool, he had consumed 5 drinks while Ford and Zaphod were each on their second. Not that two Pan Galactic Gargleblasters are anything to look down upon. Arthur giggled rather wildly from the floor. This sudden and not entirely characteristic behaviour was brought on by a question from Zaphod.

"Arthur," Zaphod had said matter-of-factly, "Would you like a blow job?" 

Arthur couldn't cope with this question. He giggled, went red and turned suddenly mute. He looked at Ford for an explanation. Ford grinned. Arthur felt like scampering up a tree. Fortunately, he was far too drunk for that sort of behaviour, so he instead accepted Ford's hand as it was reached out to him. Ford hauled him to his feet, on which he was not exactly steady. Arthur wobbled a bit and his knees decided that standing up was too much effort...and that the floor looked preferable. Ford managed to catch him before he hit the ground and with a great deal of maneuvering, propped him on a stool. Arthur half-noticed at this point that Ford had still not let go of his hand. He also half-noticed that Zaphod was still looking at him questioningly.

"Ford," he whispered loudly and sloshily, "Is he serious?"

Ford looked Arthur in the eye, a difficult task as Arthur's eyes appeared to be going for a nice swim. He then laughed and said, "Of course! Zaphod gives the best tandem blow jobs in the galaxy." Ford paused and let Arthur take this in. He didn't. Arthur reeled slightly and slumped forward. Ford caught him with one hand on his chest and the other on his thigh. Once he got Arthur back into an upright position, he tried to gauge his reaction. He also began rubbing his thigh. He thought this might help matters.

It did, as did Ford's ability to play his favorite Betelgeuse drinking game. Just by looking into Arthur's eyes, he was able to psychically suggest certain things. "Arthur," he asked, "Would you like to have a tandem blow job with me?" Arthur looked at Ford, bewildered, but found himself unable to refuse. In fact, he suddenly found himself very much looking forward to this.

The next thing Arthur knew, he was lying on a bed (he had no idea whose) very close to Ford. The proximity was necessary, of course, because Zaphod's heads could only reach so far. Arthur looked nervously at Ford, who reassuringly took his hand and wrapped his fingers securely between Arthur's. This reassured Arthur very little, but it was a tad too late for reassurance. Zaphod was carefully pulling down his and Ford's pants. Arthur, in spite of his extreme discomfort in the situation, suddenly found himself becoming aroused. Very aroused. Zaphod had finished with the pesky pants and had removed Ford's underpants. 

"Great Zarquon!" he gasped as he got removing Arthur's underpants. Arthur's head whipped up to see what was the matter. For all he knew, all that Pan Galactic Gargleblaster had done something horrible and disfiguring to his genitals. No, to his relief, everything looked normal, if quite erect.

For Ford and Zaphod, however, this was a different story. Arthur, it turns out, had a huge cock. Zaphod's mouth watered, and Ford's cock hardened further in response. They both looked at him, stunned. Neither of them (and, indeed, few of the people who had known Arthur outside of the bedroom) would have guessed this sort of thing about Arthur. He had always struck them as someone average at best, and this was, for both of them, an exciting surprise. 

While Ford was still staring in awe, Zaphod suddenly decided to dive in with both heads. Using all three arms to hold himself steady, he wrapped one mouth around each eager cock. He carefully swirled his tongue and made some intricate little sucking movements around Arthur's cock, while his second head bobbed rapidly up and down on Ford's. Both men groaned, sighed, and panted while Zaphod worked his double-headed magic. 

Arthur was unconsciously squeezing Ford's hand for dear life. He realized this around the same time Ford did. They looked at each other, and in one of those sappy movie moments, their heads sort of gravitated together and they began kissing as though they'd been doing it for years. Arthur found that Ford had an extraordinarily insistent tongue and Ford discovered that Arthur had an odd penchant for sucking, but neither of these things were complaints.

Zaphod realized suddenly, however, that the moans and sighs had stopped. Both heads stopped their work and that got no reaction. He was, quite frankly, appalled. He looked up (and had to move one head to see around Arthur's still erect cock) to see Ford and Arthur more involved in each others' mouths than in his. Zaphod was shocked. Horrified. And a little bit insulted.

"Hey," he said, annoyed, "If I just wanted to watch, I'd have told you. Ford looked away from Arthur, only to give his very particular brand of grin to Zaphod. Zaphod rolled his eyes (all four) and announced that he would have more fun having sub-etha sex with Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple breasted whore of Eroticon 6. Ford suggested that he do just that. Zaphod decided to take him up on his kind suggestion. As he left the room, shaking his head, he hummed a song, which Arthur (had he not been more occupied with examining Ford's cock) would have recognized as the Beatles song about "Me and my Monkey." He would have been, of course, insulted, but not as insulted as he was meant to be. It was, of course, an old Betelgeuse mocking song, something along the lines of, "Have fun fucking your lowly creature."

With Zaphod out of the picture, Ford and Arthur turned all of their attention to each other. They kissed for a considerable amount of time, and as Arthur became more and more comfortable with the situation, their pelvises began to rub rather urgently against each other.

"Arthur," gasped Ford against Arthur's mouth, "Fuck me. Please. With that giant zarking cock of yours." Arthur was only too happy to oblige. He had never even entertained the idea of sex with a man before, but he found the whole thing surprisingly easy once he really got going. He applied the lube that Ford handed him liberally and slowly and carefully penetrated Ford. Ford groaned and bit the pillow closest to him. This pillow had not come from Squornshellous Beta, which is for the best. This one happened to not feel any pain, and did not rise up against Ford. 

Arthur was amazed at how tight Ford's opening was and shouted to him that he wasn't going to be able to keep this up for very long. Ford shouted back that he wasn't either as he stroked his cock as fast as his hand would go. With a shout of Ford's name, Arthur came first and Ford quickly followed suit with a loud groan. Ford fell back onto the bed, still panting slightly and Arthur flopped down, basically on top of him.

"We're going to regret this, aren't we?" he asked Ford, gently stroking his chest.

"I won't if you won't," answered Ford, surprisingly gently. Arthur thought for a moment.

"Okay then," he said and laid his head softly down onto Ford's chest. Ford smiled a surprisingly reassuring smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my ancient adultfanfiction.org account. (Written in 2005. Yes, that old.


End file.
